I am a good parent, but not a remarkable one, though I know that I could be. I love to write and have started several projects, but apparently I need a publisher shoving deadlines down my throat before I could ever complete something. Sad thing is, no one will publish someone who has never been published, therefore I have to finish something, publish it, then get a publisher . . . hmmmmm. Before Bonnie was born, I was very happy with how I looked. While I was pregnant with Bonnie, I was even happier. I was one of those lucky ladies that's absolutely adorable when pregnant. After I had little miss B, however, my body revolted and I suddenly started gaining weight in places I've never had an ounce of fat before. Two and a half years and thirty pounds later, I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror. But have I done anything about it? Of course not. That would require a commitment to diet and exercise. That would mean I would have to set goals and strive to achieve them ALL BY MYSELF . . . who does that?! Certainly not me.
This is not me making excuses for myself, this is me admitting that I have a problem. After all, the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem in the first place, right? My problem is that I depend on others for my motivation. And now, as I rapidly approach some major changes in my life (turning 30, leaving the military, etc.) I look back and see all this time well wasted.
What's the point of all the rambling, you ask? Well, my very first post was about my Rita Project. As I'm sure you've guessed by now, I haven't exactly made any head-way on it. I sat down and made a list of things I wanted to get out of my project, but I built the whole thing around the unrealistic idea that other people in my life would want to shift their focus from what they want, to what I want. But now I've come to realize that I can't depend on anyone else to help me accomplish my little goals. And I've also come to realize that all my reasons for NOT doing what I want to do aren't reasons at all, just excuses. So, rather than hoping my kids will stick to the schedules I've made all by themselves, I'm going to stick to my own schedule, which will force them to do what I want them to, when I want them to (I <3 the power of motherhood). Rather than expecting my husband to rise before the sun and drag my fat behind out of bed to work out, I'm just gonna do it myself.
Before now, I convinced myself that working towards my own goals was selfish. Take this blog for example. It's not that I'm short on subjects to write about, it's just that taking time out of every day to write meant I was taking time away from my kids and/or my husband. What are they doing now? They're reading. Do they need me for that? Of course not. And what about Bonnie? She's perfectly content with NickJr at the moment. Yes, shame on me for turning the television on, but they claim it's pre-school on TV. And she can say "hello" in Chinese. So from this day forward, when Luke and Annabelle retreat to their room to read and work on independent study projects, I will turn on educational, commercial free programing for Bonnie so that I can write. And I will NOT feel guilty about it.
From this day forward, we won't eat out when I've had a horribly long day and don't feel like cooking. There will also be no more quick trips to the store for snacks and soda's. I'll suck it up and cook, or I'll make someone else suck it up and cook. If I need a snack, I'll have an apple or granola bar or whatever else I always force the kids to eat but never eat them myself. When it's nice out, we'll go for a walk . . . with Bonnie in the backpack on my back. The kids will learn the value of exercise when I do. If it's not nice out, I'll go to the gym. If that means everyone has to hang out at the house sulking until mom gets home, then so be it. Or they can join me. They may gripe and moan, but again, I will not feel guilty. Because after all, if I like myself a little more, I may just like them a little more, too.
From this day forward, I clean the house on MY schedule. Brace yourselves kids, because this is going to mean that mom may be vacuuming at 8am Saturday. It also means that I may be in my room putting away laundry or dusting when I would have, in the past, been parked on the couch watching one of our many "shows".
So here's to a little selfishness. And to taking a couple hours out of every day for myself, to make myself happier, and maybe making everyone else a little happier in the process.
Amen sister, I was just having the same thoughts about my own self...yes, we do lack the self motivating gene for sure! And I see how much I busted it to lose the weight I have and I see the frustration with myself on why I can't finish what I started and so badly wanted...thanks for this post! Love ya and miss ya, your MDay card is in the mail, late, but in the mail : )
ReplyDelete